Hus­band: I, (Name), take you, (Name), to be my wife, my part­ner in life, and my one true love. I will cher­ish our friend­ship and love you to­day, to­mor­row, and un­til the day I die. I will al­ways laugh with you and on­ly oc­ca­sion­al­ly at you. When I do laugh at you, if it is in pub­lic, I will do my best to cre­ate the il­lu­sion that it is with you.

I promise to be there with you through the tough­est of the tri­als in our life and to cry with you. These tri­als do not in­clude things like YouTube footage of sol­diers be­ing re­unit­ed with their daugh­ters. You’re cry­ing on your own with those.

I vow to love you through the dif­fi­cult and the easy. I promise to nev­er put you or my­self in dan­ger. This means that I will nev­er come be­tween you and a mir­ror. I will al­so nev­er force you to eat spicy food with me as I did on one of our first dates. I lat­er found out that you were clench­ing your cheeks the whole night.

What I ad­mire most about you is your de­ter­mi­na­tion. But stamp­ing your foot when you don’t get your way is no longer cute af­ter age nine. Se­ri­ous­ly, you need to stop that.

I look for­ward to be­ing a mar­ried man and start­ing a new chap­ter in my life. For starters, I will no longer re­fer to it as ‘my life,’ but ‘ours.’ I look for­ward to be­ing the best fa­ther I can be and help­ing you to be the best mother.

This is my solemn vow to you to­day as I make you my wife.

Wife: (Name), you make lov­ing easy. For starters, you’re the best roomie I’ve ever had. Liv­ing in sin, with­out our par­ents’ bless­ings, was to­tal­ly worth it. I now know you are able to deal with my an­noy­ing habits. And I’ve dis­cov­ered that you have very few. You pick up my half-emp­ty cof­fee cups that I leave around the house, you make me break­fast on the week­ends, and you al­ways know where my cell phone and keys are when I go in­to full pan­ic mode and scream that some­one stole them.

With you I have learned to take it slow, al­though I could have dealt with get­ting to this al­tar a lit­tle faster. When we met, all I knew was that you made me laugh and you had a dorky look, which I thought was hot. On­ly time would al­low me to see your true col­ors. You’re gen­er­ous, lov­ing, sen­si­tive, kind, an in­som­ni­ac, and a lover of dai­ly man baths and box­er dogs.

I promise with all my heart to love you when times are good and bad. When you’re sore on Mon­day from sit­ting the same po­si­tion all day dur­ing Sun­day foot­ball, when men hit on you as you walk my Pomeran­ian, and when you need some­one to lean on when work gets tough, I will al­ways be your gal.

When I’m scared, you make me feel safe. When I’m sad, you make me smile. There has yet to be a day where we haven’t laughed to­geth­er. I nev­er want there to be one.

I take you to be my hus­band, the fa­ther of my chil­dren, and best friend un­til death do us part. Just stay away for one week per month!