Groom: I promise to love you as much as the Chica­go Cubs and not hold your black and white striped dress against you. From this day for­ward, I will lis­ten to all of your com­plaints about the mall if you say them dur­ing the off sea­son, and promise to re­tire my base­ball cap and face paint for pub­lic out­ings. I will love you in sick­ness and in health, from this day for­ward, un­til death parts us, or you be­come a White Sox fan.

Bride: I promise to love you as much as I love my cred­it card and not hold your poor fash­ion sense against you. I will on­ly show you my new clothes dur­ing com­mer­cial breaks and promise to keep you in the lat­est Cub fash­ions. From this day for­ward, I will make sure your lucky shirt is washed for every game day, and will have plen­ty of pota­to chips on hand. I will love you for rich­er or poor­er, as long as our cred­it lim­it stays high.

Groom: I promise to love and cher­ish you as much as I do our dog, Spot. From this day for­ward, I will lint roll the chairs when­ev­er your par­ents vis­it. I will love you in sick­ness and in health, as long as you take care of the vet vis­its. I promise to cud­dle with you as much as I do Spot and pick you up treats when­ev­er he gets some, too.

Bride: From this day for­ward, I promise to de­claw my cat Fluffy so that you are not scratched. I will al­ways make sure the lit­ter box is clean and will keep Fluffy out of Spot’s house. I will love you for rich­er or poor­er, so long as Fluffy gets the gourmet cat food.